I inhaled the smell of books around me, roaming through the old book shop. I smiled, swaying to the rhythm of the music as it serenaded the depths of my soul, imagining the notes from the song dancing around me, enveloping me in glorious light. I smiled and breathed in deeply, taking in the moment. I searched through the stacks of books looking for something to catch my eye. Suddenly, I saw a book by Andrew White called the Vicar of Baghdad. My mind flashed back to Andrew’s voice echoing through the auditorium at my college graduation, “Do not take care! Take Risks!” He shared on his life work across the Middle East and how God called us too not live safe lives; but to partner with Him in big things! I pulled the book off the shelf and went to the check out. I prayed in my heart, “God, I want to partner with you in taking risks in what you have called me to even if the path you called me to, not everyone understands…Yet my heart feels heavy right now God.”

Have you ever felt there are times in your life with your heart feels heavy? You can’t find the words to express why. You feel almost a deep, lingering sadness. You feel there are parts of your heart that hurt and are in pain. However, you just do not know where to start to find healing. You keep smiling and moving on with a brave face; yet you feel an invitation to pause. You feel a nudge from the Holy Spirit to delve into the depths of your story and stop marching forward.

Sometimes we all have questions, pain, and fears that we are almost afraid to put words to; because it could shake foundations that we found security in our whole lives. However, I am finding there is freedom in putting words to emotions and releasing them. There is freedom in telling our stories and not hiding parts of our journeys where we faced trauma, abuse, or deep pain. I believe going back into parts of our stories where there has been pain is frightening and liberating. It takes deep work yet is worth it to walk in healing and wholeness. When we keep running from our past, ignoring triggers, people pleasing, and always try to keep the peace we start to lose who we are. I believe, God’s desire is for us to be whole and to let His light come into the dark places in our story. He breathes life into dead places in us. His word washes over us and refreshes our souls. His word brings health to the dry, desert places. The waters soothe and wash over us, cleansing us and reminding us of who we are in Him. He wants to restore us. He wants to make known to us the paths of life, found through being in union with Him.

I remember two stories from the Bible. One is from 2 Kings 4:8-36. Elisha was visiting the town of Shunem, a wealthy woman lived there. She urged Elisha to eat a meal in her home. After this, whenever he passed through this town, he would stop and eat at their home. The woman told her husband that wanted to build a small room for Elisha to stay in when He passed by; because she knew he was a man of God. They built a room for Elisha. One day Elisha came to their home and was resting in this small room. He asked the woman, “What can we do for you? Can we put in a good word to the king or commander of the army?” She replied, “No, my family takes good care of me.” Later, Elisha asked his servant Gehazi, “What can we do for her?” Gehazi replied, “She doesn’t have a son and her husband is old.” Later, Elisha called the woman back and told her she would have a son the next year. She told Elisha not to get her hopes up and deceive her. However, she soon became pregnant and had a son. The son grew up and one day he is in the field working with the harvesters. He suddenly gets sharp pains in his head, they take him home, and he dies. At this point, the story is frustrating right this woman did not have a son. She did not even ask for a son, yet God blesses her with a son. Only for this son to die suddenly. What in the world? The woman goes immediately to Elisha. Elisha sees she is troubled and sends his servant with the staff ahead of him to put his staff on the dead boy. However, the boy’s mother says she will not go back unless Elisha comes home with her. The servant goes ahead put the staff on the boy and nothing happens. When they arrive, the boy is still dead. Then Elisha comes, he goes into the room alone and shuts the door behind him to pray to the Lord. He stretches out his body over the boy, and life returns to the boy! He is revived!

In this story, there is this beautiful blessing from the Lord- life, a son. Where there was an impossible situation, God brought life! Yet later the son dies. It seems all is lost and there is disappointment. In this moment, the woman chooses not to just crumple under the grief and disappointment mourning in her home. I believe she felt those feelings and yet she goes to confront the prophet and opens her heart. She tells the prophet, “Did I ask you for a son my Lord? Didn’t I tell you, don’t raise my hopes?” She does not hide what she feels from Elisha. Later, God raises the boy back to life.

We live in a fallen, dark world where we face deep disappointments, betrayal, and pain. In these moments, we can choose to run from our emotions or things we are processing or come to God with them. “Come close to God, and God will come close to you” James 4:8. I believe when we pour out our hearts to God, He meets us in an intimate, powerful way. His Dunamis power comes in. Dunamis is a Greek word that means force, miraculous power, strength. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” The word power comes from the Greek word Dunamis. His miracle, working power is made perfect in weakness. “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us” 2 Corinthians 4:6-7..

I also, remember the story of Lazarus. He was Jesus’ friend and he dies. His sister Mary was the very one who poured, the expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. Mary and Martha had told Jesus their brother was very sick. Jesus did not come immediately to them. He waited two days and in this time Lazarus dies. However, Jesus said, “Lazarus sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God to that the Son of God will receive glory.” After two days, Jesus tells his disciples they will go to Lazarus even though his disciples objected, because people in this particular town were trying to kill Jesus. His disciples even struggled in faith walking with Jesus. Thomas said to another disciple, “Let’s go too- and die with Jesus.” They arrive and everyone is grieving the death of Lazarus. Martha goes to meet Jesus. However, Mary stays inside maybe to angry and heartbroken to face Him. Martha says, “Lord, if only you had been here my brother would not have died!” Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.” Jesus asked where they were keeping his body and for them to roll the stone aside. Martha protested, because he had been dead four days already. Jesus replies, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” Then, Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead (John 11:1-43).

This is another story where there looms death, unbelief, and disappointment. Yet Jesus brings His life into the scene. No matter what we face or what dark night of the soul we come into. I believe Jesus comes to bring life (John 1:1-14). Nothing that happens in our life is beyond his resurrecting life. We just have to be brave and invite him into those hard places even if there is still anger, unbelief, fear, deep pain, sorrow, or grief. When we open our hearts to Him; He comes in and washes over us. Jesus brings life and wholeness to our souls. He restores our soul, Psalm 23. Jesus himself faced grief, rejection, sorrow. He laid down his life so we could be whole and healed (Isiah 53:3-5).

I strongly believe, God also uses others to help us in areas as we heal and grow. We go to the doctor when our bodies are ill. Why not partner with trained people in the area of our soul as well. Therapy can be a tool to go into the places where there are fragmented pieces of our story to address them and bring wholeness and life into those parts of our soul. I firmly believe, we are not meant to walk alone, and God aligns us with people we need in each season of our journey with Him. God wants us to be whole and walk in our identity fully as His sons and daughters.

I felt to write this as an encouragement if you are in a hard part of your journey or in a place where you feel like you are in pain or hurting. There is hope. God has not left you or abandoned you. He wants to come in to revive the dead places in us, to revive our faith so we can walk in boldness with Him. I love David; because he wrote so beautifully and poured out His heart to God in the Psalms. He had moments he felt discouraged, sad, and like God has abandoned him. He would lament, pour out His heart and yet always speak to His soul to hope in God. He believed that no matter what, God would show him the path of life. God could search the deepest parts of his heart and David trusted God to always lead him in the right way. “God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that is hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting way- the path that brings me back to you” Psalms 139:23-24.

Verses on Life and healing

“You will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and living with you forever” Psalms 16:10-11

“As the deer longs for the streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before Him? Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies taunt me, saying, “Where is this God of yours?” My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be; I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading the great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of great celebration! Why I am so discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God!…Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you…I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I hear his songs, praying to the God who gives me life…” Psalms 42:1-8

“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him…Trust in Him at all times…pour out your hearts to Him” Psalms 62:5, 8